The hollow space I feel in my belly, in my chest, in my mind lately. That occurs in the hollow moments between events, conversation and daily responsibility is haunting me. I don’t know if it is a hollow feeling of boredom with life, the hollow feeling that I have not yet accomplished what I should have. Like graduating college, since I failed out, or finding a lover to settle with like most people my age have. Maybe its the hollow feeling that I have no gift or passion to offer the world. It could also be the hollow feeling that no matter how much I care or think I do I can make no difference in this descending world. No matter how much I want to change a situation or person, I sinply cannot. I feel an oncoming of spinning out of control yet also a current hollow nothingness.

     I know I sound like the supreme edgelord right now and I know it is dreadfully negative to talk about such hidden feelings, but I wish to and so I will.

     Usually I have little issues with finding beauty and magic in everything and most everyone. I usually can see the spirit in my dogs eyes the unseen life in the smell of the wind, but lately I just see pointlessness. I just see nothing and feel nothing. And I am not sure how to shake it but I must soon because I am finding my motivation and life slipping away. Hopefully the routine from my new  9-5 job will make me numb to the pressing feeling that something is off. Or perhaps it will make me tumble down a hill into madness and I will not be able to climb back up? 

     Reflecting on when I was a young girl I remember such excitement for everything and having a passion for the disadvantaged of the world like tigers; their diminishing habitats and starving people worlds away from me and I remeber thinking at a young age I would be a helper. But here I am not doing a damn thing and not really knowing how except everyday little actions like just being kind. I feel like this may be my hollow ache. The ache for the individuals purpuse in this life. Why had God placed me here? I know we all have this question. Many I think accept where they go in life and don’t fool with it much. But it tugs at my heart especially since I am slightly different from most around me. I dont have much of a desire to settle down, I don’t really date and I am don’t like going out much but I like adventure. I am just a mess and now I am starting to ramble. 

     Since reflecting on myself and trying to figure out these feelings by analyzing myself is making me more mad I think I will just pray. That is usually what I turn to in moments of distress or loneliness and it comforts me. Hopefully the life force that controls the world can guide me to the rightful place, perhaps I am in my rightful place and I do not realize it? Oh to be able to ask a question to the universe and get an answer to get a truth. But to fucking bad its all a game and the universe is laughing at us all run around like ants.
  I will update in the next couple of days on any revelations I have on this matter. Bless all

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