State of confusion. 

My life has always been one of constant internal and external shifting. My mind is always wondering due to my internal self conflict. Causing me to always seek things to attach to, to fill what I feel is lacking in me.  

I have never been one to have long relationships and never have fantasized about getting married. But lately I have been desiring some romance which has gotten me into some trouble and has caused me more confusion on my self perception.

Don’t judge what I’m about to tell you. We are not perfect creatures and we learn from trial and error and experiences.

Since my place in life has gotten more blurred lately and my self identity questionable I have been craving male attention to fill the void where my confidence should be. 

There is nothing wrong with flirting and I find it exciting. However I am twenty four years old and I work with many younger people, being a lifeguard. There are two very cute boys I work with at work one is ninteen and one is twenty. I never have went for younger men before but they are fun and it makes work more tolerable. 

One I have been talking to and sending booty pictures for awhile since he is obsessed with my ass ( it is pretty nice) and he will text me dirty things at work from time to time. Which I find flattering and fun but also in my stomach can make me feel uneasy at times.

The other guy is buff and goofy and I love being around him. Well one night when I had been drinking I convinced him to pick me up. Well alcohol and muscular bearded man equals awkward sex on a couch. It wasn’t terrible but I defiantly felt guilty the next day. 

Both of these men I have developed feelings for I think just because of the attention and that they think I am attractive. However there is a negative side to it because I know the attention is just shallow attention and they probably have no real feelings for me. 

I always go for guys that I know don’t appreciate the real me and just use me for some personal gratification or sexual reasons. And this just makes my self worth suffer. 

Then why do I keep making these choices?

I want to find my soul mate but I feel like I don’t have one and “who could ever really love the true me” and so I go for these shallow sexual relations with guys that clearly are not suited to me.

How do I get out of this cycle?

I need to realize my self worth in relation to men as romantic partners. Maybe my strained and distant relationship with my dad growing up made me feel this disconnection with men. I do not feel inferior to men but it is hard for me to feel a romantic union with them. 

Also it is important to make sure I love myself and obviously I have to work on it because in the back of my head I wonder who could love an emotional wreck like myself. But that is not true. I believe in soul mates and I just have to wait for my time and while I wait try to make better decisions. 

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